My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. 'Cause I'm plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didn't I get to open this year?

I used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy.

I mean, sleeping with the same woman, night after night. Boring!

I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.

Anything can happen with a razor.

I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.