Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.

Part of the kick of making people laugh was doing something different. We were a rare breed - spotting one of us was like pinning a space alien, or abdominal snowman. There were maybe a hundred stand-ups in the whole country when I was doing it.

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.

Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.

If you're from New York and you're Catholic, you're still Jewish. If you're from Butte Montana and you're Jewish, you're still goyisch. The Air Force is Jewish, the Marine Corps dangerous goyisch. Rye Bread is Jewish, instant potatoes, scary goyisch. Eddie Cantor is goyisch, George Jessel is goyisch-Coleman Hawkins is Jewish.

I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.