If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish

Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy a terrible, terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago.

You can't just run out and start the car until some cat invents a car.

There's always a down side with any freedom. It's not just homosexual freedom, but any sexual freedom comes at a price, and that is usually art.

I wanted out of the navy so bad in '45, I faked homo to get a discharge. It didn't matter that the Germans surrendered, I knew we were heading to Japan and I was done with that scene.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.