The crooks downtown figured out that comedy is like a hammer. It can put up a barn and it can knock down a wall. So they bought it outright and marketed it as Comedy Central.

Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.

There are no dirty words, only dirty minds.

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.

I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.

I wanted out of the navy so bad in '45, I faked homo to get a discharge. It didn't matter that the Germans surrendered, I knew we were heading to Japan and I was done with that scene.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.