The crooks downtown figured out that comedy is like a hammer. It can put up a barn and it can knock down a wall. So they bought it outright and marketed it as Comedy Central.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God.

If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.

There's a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor.

You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.