The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all custody means. Get even with your old lady.

I've talked to biblical cats, and Neanderthals who been here since day one. No one here has even seen the Big Boss. Ever.

Communism is just one big telephone company.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.