If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

The crooks downtown figured out that comedy is like a hammer. It can put up a barn and it can knock down a wall. So they bought it outright and marketed it as Comedy Central.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.

Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.