If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood.

Today's comedian has a cross to bear that he built himself. A comedian of the older generation did an act and he told the audience, This is my act. Today's comic is not doing an act. The audience assumes he's telling the truth. What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it.

The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.