The actual distance a bad golfer is going to hit the ball with any club obviously depends on many factors, not the least of which is whether the ball was actually hit at all.

Like a midget at a urinal I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Shirley! Don't call me Shirley!

Yes, it's true, I've been called the Laurence Olivier of spoofs. I guess that would make Laurence Olivier the Leslie Nielsen of Shakespeare.

Do your part to silence gossip - don't repeat it.

There's an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain't looking.

Any sport that comes from Scotland is good!