I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. And I think that's the reason my act has become more political. I've become somewhat more of a political comic because the level of stupidity I've watched is staggering.

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.