FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.

It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.

These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.