If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers

The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.

Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.

It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!