The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.

It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.