I had to watch the Republican stuff which makes me feel even older than I am. By the time I get through the Democrats, I may be dead. I don't know how much older I can get.

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it.

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

Self-love is a big part of golf.

Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.

When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is.

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.