If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he still won't shut up I throw it at him.