If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.

You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up next tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it! And then you go to work, and your boss will look up and go "who are you," and you can say: "I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?"

I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.

I never write anything down. I write onstage.

Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'.

The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.

Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.