Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.
I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.
I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, "You want to go to this party and do some networking?"
FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.
Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.
If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.