I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.

Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!

sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.