Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

My review of 2001, the year, is the same as my review of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It went on too long, it was hard to follow, and you could only enjoy it if you were really, really, *really* stoned.

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.