Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.

I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!