Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?