If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. No health insurance, so if something happened I was screwed. I was lucky my parents had money and my brother was willing to support me for a long time. Once I started doing standup, I had an income, and that was amazing to me.

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.

There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.