If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'

He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.