If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!