You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself.

This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don't need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them.

I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.