I think inevitably over the course of my lifetime there's been an underestimation of the American people, and I believe they are really the ones that give me hope. There's so much of "they don't know this, and they don't know that," and they're always denigrating.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.

There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.