The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma.

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

My review of 2001, the year, is the same as my review of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It went on too long, it was hard to follow, and you could only enjoy it if you were really, really, *really* stoned.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka.