The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.

Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!

I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes

I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?