When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.