Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, "You want to go to this party and do some networking?"

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.