When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we're sharing the same frustration.

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people.

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.