Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.

I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?