The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself.

Everybody's got cable.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.