The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we're sharing the same frustration.