Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.

You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

How our government works... it doesn't.

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.