These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.

I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.

Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!

I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, "You want to go to this party and do some networking?"

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.