These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka.

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.