Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.

We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don't need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them.