If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.

How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.

I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.