Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

I'd like the campaigning to be about all the things they're not going to do. Just tell me what you're not going do! Don't tell me what you're going to do. Just say "I'd really like to do solar energy but I'm not going to be able to. I really want to dig holes everywhere in the country but I really won't be able to do it because people seem to think that maybe my water will be screwed up."

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.

What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.'

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.