Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.

You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up next tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it! And then you go to work, and your boss will look up and go "who are you," and you can say: "I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?"

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.