Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.

Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.

I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should.

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.