The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?

These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.

This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.