If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'

Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.

Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular.

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.