I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.

Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.

Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.