I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.

Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.

When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.