I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.