We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

I never write anything down. I write onstage.

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'

It's great that we're bringing democracy to Iraq. I can't wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks?