We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'.

Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!

Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.

My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation.

Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes