There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.