Political audiences are not fun.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

[The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.

There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.