It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, and the blizzard would hit again!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

Turns out we've been eating the wrong things...since the dawn of civilisation

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, "You want to go to this party and do some networking?"

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.