Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.

Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck. this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel.