Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.

I think you have to [vote] and the reason you have to go vote is an important one, and that is because the day you vote is the day that you will feel the most ineffectual you will feel all year.

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.