Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.

How our government works... it doesn't.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

There's no reason to tweet when you are in the midst of a great moment; they are few and far between. So pay attention to it, as you probably won't see it again. You can always tweet later, if you're lucky enough to be part of history and you think 140 characters can do credit to someone like Martin Luther King or to the speech he made that day.

The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself.