Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.

The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.

There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.

I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.