Everybody's got cable.

It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity.

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.