When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!

When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are.

Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.

"Equestrian", by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.