When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.

If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that's the truth.

I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.