Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.

I never write anything down. I write onstage.

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let me just tell you, it's 22 hours by plane. So, if you have the opportunity, don't.

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.