I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular.

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma.

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.

When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.