It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.

I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

Turns out we've been eating the wrong things...since the dawn of civilisation

I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck ,so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.