I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.

I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.