I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.