There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.

I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.

Everybody's family has different values.

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.