There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself.

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!