I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

How our government works... it doesn't.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.