If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.

Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!

Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.