Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

Turns out we've been eating the wrong things...since the dawn of civilisation