I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

Everybody's family has different values.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.